National State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Personal State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Reason for Personal State of Alert:
- So this is post-college life? Really? *shivers*

- The Passion of Christ featured a deleted scene where Christ called me out and told me "You're next"

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joelthecat.diaryland.com

7am & Counting
2004-07-07 - 12:10 p.m.

You'll have to pardon me, if I come off rambly or weird... it's 7 am, and I woke up at 1 pm yesterday, but I just had another one of those huge moments of clarity.

I had a dream in which my dad, who's taken to slurring and forgetting what he's doing, was talking about a pool game he was playing in- where his friends tried to make his vie for the 8-ball harder by sticking it further away on the table, but he still sunk it in cuz he had a straight shot, He proudly stated this from his bed, and then fell asleep soon after; my mom pans into the shot, and starts talking to me. She talked about how moments like that made her stay with him, but it's upsetting her that he's following in the course of his father.

Whenever I think of my grandfather, I can only ever see him as an old man affected by Alzeimer's. My strongest memory of him, unfortunately, is of him causing a fight in my house back when I was around 10, and of him poking my mom with a big cooking fork, and me being very, very angry at him, It was around then I just thought my grandfather an evil man, understanding, somewhere, that his Alzeimer's had done this to him, but still never seeing another side of him to think any better.

And now, I see my parents falling down the same path, with my mom talking a little louder with age, but still keeping an incredible wit about her, and my dad talking a little bit quieter, and his sharpness coming and going depending on the time of day I call home. My mom's mind, in the dream, was thinking and fighting over the same thoughts I was, wondering what to do with my father, whether or not she'd cede care of him, or stay fighting by his side; but in just in the time it took to get the words out, she made her choice.

She had to chart her own course through old age, and she had seen her parents go through this phase, and my dad's parents; and now it was her turn. She said she was going to stick with him, and guide him through, and accepted their joint age, and the passage they were taking through time; just as their parents did before them, and just as I must do, whether I like it or not.

I just turned 23. My parents are still a major part of my support net; and unfortunately, still provide for me tremendously financially. I'm on the later fringes of college moochdom, still in that nebulous zone between childhood and adulthood, despite my attempts otherwise, and it's coming down to me finally having to accept some doors closing. The life I'm living now can't go on forever, with them providing so much support for me. I know other's parents cut them off at 18, some when they graduate from school, but unfortunately, i know my parents- they will give until there's nothing left to give. I really, desperately, need to start giving back.

I mean, holy shit, despite whether I like it or not, I'm getting older. I'm going to get old- I'm going to be following in the aging process, just like my grandparents, just like my parents did before me... and the choices I make now with my life are going to affect me for a long, long time. Worse, though, they are going to affect my parents- they're not going to be around forever. My mom would always say that when I make it big, I could start providing for them, and start taking care of their burden instead of them handling mine. In my little "Holy shit" moment of clarity this morning, I'm realizing that I don't have the comfort of time to do this. If I want to start giving back to them within a timeframe where they can still enjoy being provided for, I need to start NOW.

It's probably a bit different in a bigger family- where a litter of children can disperse the task of taking care of a set of loving parents. It's probably also different in a situation where there's an only child- the mindset's all different, and while there's still a terribly large burden, and I don't envy that crowd; I also don't fall into that category. I unfortunately fall into the weirder category of "Only child left." I lost my only, older sister ten years ago to an uncommon disease, A-Plastic Anemia. As hard as it was on me, it was ten times harder on my parents, especially my mother. I know she's seen absolutely terrible things, and felt absolutely terrible pain and sadness in her life. And I really hate to be a dick, and bring it back to me, me, me, here, but... sorry sis; I promise to tell your tale another time...

Losing my only sister means that it's I alone that my parents dreams and hopes rest on. My family is small, there aren't many cousins or aunts and uncles; and there is a lot that they hope for me to accomplish. They want for my happiness, ultimately, and will love me no matter what. I can't, however, allow them to continue to over-provide for me, as they have in the past.

Again... holy shit. I used to think I'd never get to 23 as a kid, and even in my teenage years. I never thought I'd get to be this age- but, I'm learning, it doesn't stop here. There's 30, there's 40, there's 50... and then... in my little moment this morning, I realized... a whole other TWENTY year stretch where you're stuck in the old age "S's"- 60, and 70. I mean, add to that the fact that the 5 in fifty sorta looks like an S too... that's 30 whole years, more than I've lived so far- stuck being old and with a number that probably defies your heart's age... only getting out of the "S" rut when you hit eighty. Eighty years old! Crikes, I pray I have my wits when I hit that age- that being if I'm still alive.

I know it's easy to say certain things without them sinking in, and to know certain things, but not to let them slip by the wayside. There are tons of movies with same topics explored, topics like love, and heroism, and compassion, and often we leave them feeling like we've come out with some revelation, or something to apply to our life, only to have the effect fade off until we see the next movie with the message, and we're suddenly reminded again of what we've heard and felt.

Well, I writing this here, multiple ways, and with multiple phrasings to remind myself of this important knowledge and revelation this morning:

I am going to die.

I am 23, aging at this very second, slowly getting older without fail, and will someday stop getting older and cease to exist on this planet.

There will at least be a handful of people on this planet, one day, who will put my body in the ground, where my living skin, the skin which I can look at freely now, will crust away.

Charles Cruz, before I may be ready to, will stop breathing. The same applies to every single person I know and care for and love. Everyone I've ever seen, heard on the phone or overheard at the supermarket, everyone I fondly remember the shampoo hair smell of, will die.

Time is truly a precious thing that is NOT to be wasted. Every second I have on this earth healthy is a moment I should, and must cherish.

I've found my reason to succeed, and to become financially sound and actively creative. I need to make my parents proud of me while they can still appreciate it, relish in it, and brag about it. I need to be able to take care of them like they have for me my whole life thus far. I can't let the gifts I've been given, through luck or through hard work, go to waste. I have to make use of my life.

Charles, Charlie John, C.J.-

are you in there? Do you hear me? I'm calling out... Chaz, Joel the Cat, whatever you want to call yourself...

be who I am, live it up, and do it right.

I am living my one shot at life. It's time I earn up to my name, and giving back more than what was given to me.

Get cracking, the little red digital numbers on my alarm, and the arms of clocks everywhere are watching and are timing you.

Please don't take this as an excuse to become afraid of wall clocks. That said...

Tick-tock, tick-tock...

Reason for Terror # 82:

Using phrase "da bomb" unwittingly in phone tapped conversations could lead to arrest and beatings by the FBI, local authorities, and hip police.

Reason for Terror # 81:

There was a little bit of mold on that bread you had this morning.

Reason for Terror # 80:

When evening falls, you can try to drive away; but the moon will be following... always following...