National State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Personal State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Reason for Personal State of Alert:
- So this is post-college life? Really? *shivers*

- The Passion of Christ featured a deleted scene where Christ called me out and told me "You're next"

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joelthecat.diaryland.com

The Roar of Suicidal Fags (and the Death of Blacks and Whites)
2002-05-18 - 12:17 a.m.

"Sometimes I feel like this Godfather deal is all wrong... oh oh oh... how can she hold an umbilical cord for so long?" - Billy Joel

I think it's cyclical. Feeling good, then feeling a little down. I feel a little down. I think this is also the only time I ever write. Bad Chaz.

I started today with a ballet- "The Roar of Love: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." It was a terrible terrible name, but a pretty damn decent ballet. Well... it was also my first ballet- so I don't really know what a bad one was like- but I'm pretty sure this was not one of them. The kids involved actually acted professional. Jesse, my best friend who was in it, didn't suck, and him almost falling once- well, that worked itself into the roll he was supposed to go into anyway. There were about two or three attractive looking males on stage, and I say that with huge hesitation, because a) some were wearing stage makeup, and b) I have NO clue how (illegally?) old some of these people were. Regardless, it was a fun spending of four dollars. I didn't even mind so much the fact that the only other people watching were school children. Remind me, if I ever forget: Charles is NOT a parent, and doesn't want to be a parent.

"Where's the Orchestra? After all, this is my big night on the town, my introduction to the theatre crowd- I assumed that a show would have a song, so I was wrong..." -Billy Joel

So, in stark contrast to this morning, surrounded by kids, I went to see, in quite impromptu fashion, "Suicidal Fags and the Death of God," a student's senior show. There were gays... lots and lots of theater gays who came to see it, along with other media and performing arts people. I felt pretty damn out of place, considering we all had something huge in common. I think it all would've been better if I had one decent friend there... so I don't necessarily hold that as a testament to the department. The show was good however- it was about a gay acting coach, and his elitist, Karen-from-Will-and-Grace-like friend showing up at a Texas execution and thinking it was an experimental theater piece. It was funny, but very "inside," with all kinds of acting related jokes; despite that though... it was a very nice show to stumble into. I just have been kinda wandering around, though, hoping to find someone, at the very least, to make eyes with, and to feel the glimmer of hope that something would come out of it. I didn't really get that at all there.

I did get *something* later in the evening though, as I biked through City Market and by the queer club, Club One, and cruised and got cruised by a late 20s attractive guy. He said hi, and circumstance had it that I saw him coming and going. It wasn't much... but it was something. Yes, it's cheap to have other's validate your attractiveness, but anything helps.

You see, I cut my hair recently. Not that big a deal- but this haircut eliminated all the blonde from my hair, and I've kinda been going around as a blonde for... oh, two years now. I like it, I like how it brightens my appearance; but I just don't want to do it again right now. And so now I'm trying to see if I can sell myself au natural. As a Puerto Rican with tan skin, this means I look a lot more "ethnic" than I would with the blonde.

And at this point, I would be remiss not to mention my inferiority complex as a kid. I thought to myself, and quite often, "I wish I was white." Sounds horrible thinking of it now. I do think that a bit, quite a bit of it, stemmed from the fact that I was generally attracted to the few white kids (boys) in my Bronx schools, and it was easier to want to be someone and to have an inferiority complex than to think the completely irrational "I like him."

So, that being said; Brown v. Board of Education, your case study holds true... a lot of youth, myself included, grow up with the concept that "white is better." How? I don't know. Perhaps it seems like they have better things; perhaps it seems like their houses are so much nicer on TV... but anyway... bear with me... I haven't really worked this out before I started writing.

I do think that a bit of my hair bleaching that I do... or part of the reason I've been doing it lately, at least, is so that I get noticed more at the club, or whenever, by other guys. Granted, a lot of the attention of the "What ethnicity is he?" variety isn't a bad thing. I don't mind being a bit of a gimmick to those around me here; I kind of am amused when people ask me what I am, and confuse me for Hawaiian or "mixed" or whatever. Right now, however, I'm on a bit of a spell where I'm wondering if I can sell myself as I was born- a dark haired Rican, and for some reason, my friend Mike calling me "black" now, and making jokes like that are fucking with me.

Should they be? Probably not. I *know* deep down that white people and black people aren't at all better people or worse people because of the color of their skin. But I can't help to feel as if that isn't some kind of insult, even if it's a joking one. I also can't understand why I get offended. Mike calls me a Puerto Rican all the time too- hell, he refers to me as "The Puerto Rican." This doesn't really bug me- I *am* Puerto Rican. Sometimes... though, augh. Being called ethnicities I'm not shouldn't offend me. Being called ethnicities I am shouldn't offend me. Being mistaken for a really tan white guy (with bleached hair)shouldn't be a compliment. This white is good crap is just that. White just is.

Yet, I'm still attracted to mostly white dudes. I wouldn't not consider a black dude- but it'd take a lot more for me to notice one. I *do* think there is a definite cultural difference. There are movies targetted towards black people I don't even begin to "get," and Lord knows when the Black dudes do stand up on BET, and people are rolling in the aisles- I just sit and blankly stare. It's like as if, with my in the middle skin color- I have the option to go either way, to "bond" with the black dudes or the white dudes, and I've chosen the "white" side and shun the black side that might be in me.

Honestly, I know what I am. I'm a Puerto Rican. My mom's light skinned, my dad's darker skinned. I'm the middle ground. I find myself fairly attractive. I wonder if people pass me up because of the fact I have pigment in my skin. I wonder if I had MORE pigment in my skin, I'd get passed up by people I find attractive even more. I wonder how much I need something like blonde hair to draw attention to my dark skinned self. I wonder how morally proper it is to wonder and talk about such things.

I want to be proud of my heritage- but to be honest, I don't know too much about my family history other than that going back about 10 generations, I'm about as pure a Puerto Rican as you can get. I don't know if being confused is part of the deal. At least I get some decent food out of it.

"At least I understand all the innuendo and the irony, and I appreciate the roles the actors play, the point the author made- and after the closing line, and after the curtain calls, the curtain falls on empty chairs- where's the orchestra?" -Billy Joel

Reason for Terror # 82:

Using phrase "da bomb" unwittingly in phone tapped conversations could lead to arrest and beatings by the FBI, local authorities, and hip police.

Reason for Terror # 81:

There was a little bit of mold on that bread you had this morning.

Reason for Terror # 80:

When evening falls, you can try to drive away; but the moon will be following... always following...