National State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Personal State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Reason for Personal State of Alert:
- So this is post-college life? Really? *shivers*

- The Passion of Christ featured a deleted scene where Christ called me out and told me "You're next"

Featured Links:
Diaryland.com
OnlineOnslaught.com
MSNBC.com
QuietAmerican.org
MoneyCentral.msn.com
Tremble.com
Weezer.com
Fool.com
GirlsArePretty.com

joelthecat.diaryland.com

Busted Stuff
2004-03-10 - 12:25 p.m.

More Timeline filling in from my no-diaryland stretch:

September - December 2002:

Most of my time was spent going through an emotional rollercoaster in this pseudo-attachment / relationship dealy, where the enjoyable part lasted 2 weeks, and the sloppy, all over the place heartbreak and weirdness lasted months after. It's behind me now, which makes sense, since it's been so long- but it really fucked with my head. I proved to myself that I could be young and passionately stupid. I suppose that means in the end it wasn't all bad.

Honestly, feeling things so strongly and having it end so abruptly did lead to a lot of good things; like deciding to fill up my time with lots of new hobbies and ventures... the bad relationship was a factor in spawning me picking up the guitar, getting into finances, stocks, and business (through my t-shirt company), and seeing things in a more grown-up way. So... yeah. Rock on.

And in more scattered stuff, some stuff I wrote in a notebook in complete darkness before I went to sleep. I don't remember what it says, I remember writing it, though, and figure I might as well type it as I see it, uncensored.

Notebook Night 1:

Every night I tell myself that tomorrow, I'm going to make changes- tomorrow, I'm going to finally get things straight and do all the things I'm stalling doing... and every tomorrow comes and plays like a mild variant on the day before and I'm suck of it.

I don't want a life of normality, but I don't don't want a non-life either, which is what I'm essentially leading. In dreams, we are superheroes, our ideal selves, taking chances, going after and getting those we want- Why isn't it possible for our real lives to match our dreams? Friends from all over, all phases of my life intermingling, people I've never physically met chilling with me. I want that. I want some semblance of that. But what's life without conflict, huh? I want more.

Notebook Entry 2:

I've always been depressed by water I couldn't swim in. In my Non-Western Architecture class, they showed us a big palace that an emperor had with a big reflecting pool as a centerpiece- it was rather pretty, but it bothered me that the water wasn't for swimming in. It's like being thirsty, and being surrounded by salt water- it's depressing, and messes with your brain.

Being in Louisiana has proven very frustrating. I'm still on the coast but not close to beaches or the ocean like I have been for the previous parts of my life. I need to feel like wonderous things are just behind the horizon, and I don't have that here. Don't get me started on how flat it is here, either...

Notebook Post 3 (written at the Mall of Louisiana food court):

Sometimes I feel like I'm 22 going on 40. I'm out of college, don't have a job, didn't want a job, really, but am finally feeling like the alternative is far worse.

It's taken a long time to get myself together. My brain fought, and still fights, for the comforts of life as a kid: video games, magic budgets where time fixes all broke-ness, and the mindset that life would be so much better if I only had __________.

For example, right now, my blanks are an electric guitar, more RAM, a bigger hard drive, and a Gamecube. Woe is me, huh?

I have a list of songs that I want to record and play, but before I can do that, I'm going to have to seriously improve on the acoustic guitar I already own. Every night before I go to sleep, I tell myself tomorrow, I'm going to buckle down and practice, and make headway, and record something; but each day keeps on passing by, with the morning either being too early to play, the evening being too late (people sleeping), and the daylight hours being wasted in the dark house where I'm staying. So the only thing keeping me back is the lack of a sunlit place to play. Someone better hit the backyard.

"Sometimes I can't move my feet it seems, as if I'm stuck in the ground somehow like a tree, as if I can't even breathe, and all my screams come whispering out" - Dave Matthews

Reason for Terror # 82:

Using phrase "da bomb" unwittingly in phone tapped conversations could lead to arrest and beatings by the FBI, local authorities, and hip police.

Reason for Terror # 81:

There was a little bit of mold on that bread you had this morning.

Reason for Terror # 80:

When evening falls, you can try to drive away; but the moon will be following... always following...