National State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Personal State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Reason for Personal State of Alert:
- So this is post-college life? Really? *shivers*

- The Passion of Christ featured a deleted scene where Christ called me out and told me "You're next"

Featured Links:
Diaryland.com
OnlineOnslaught.com
MSNBC.com
QuietAmerican.org
MoneyCentral.msn.com
Tremble.com
Weezer.com
Fool.com
GirlsArePretty.com

joelthecat.diaryland.com

Celine Dion's Mystery Love Package
2001-09-27 - 1:04 p.m.

I am feeling odd again. I know I only post when I feel odd. This is an odd thing.

I need to work on capturing joy more. Yeah.

My day planner has physically started to fall apart... so I'm avoiding it. I cut my last Typography class because I didn't have the beginning phases of my project due. I have the class again today. I could cut two classes in a row, but that'd be really bad. So I won't. I will go in there, and earn up to the fact that I cut, and I still don't have shit for the project. I think I'm touching upon an issue I have, and the solution.

My whole confidence level is based on how many issues I'm avoiding. If I feel like I've confronted every challenge or issue put upon me, then I am king of the world. My confidence starts to dwindle, I get depressed and moody, and problems arise when I'm stalling on something, or dreading something.

So... solution: when I slack, earn up to my slackdom. I'm going to class today. I still have nothing. I'm going to tell her that. If I get berated, then so be it. The teacher is kinda setting up for a slack course though... she's not exactly the best at maintaining control.

Confidence despite having flaws... despite being human. Hmm. Nice concept.

I was just looking through my old journal posts, looking at the old Eddie relationship days, and seeing how my life went after that (cuz a lot of it is mirrored in my current Shaun situation). I was upset with myself extremely due to my inability to get stuff done on time, and was questioning if I should even get into graphic design. My friend Tony, however, saved my career:

"Do just enough work to keep yourself happy/satisfied."

I'll get the final version of that project done on time. That's the main thing. I won't freak about this pre-stuff. I'll do it... but I'll avoid the strong urge to freak.

Then there's the Shaun thing. I seek to prolong the possible drama and pain of the phone call. But by doing so, by dragging it out, it makes it far, far worse.

Did I mention where I am right now? I'm not sure. I called it off, pretty much, for lack of wont to lead him on. We spoke Tuesday night on the phone, he told me how he felt honestly... and he cares for me a whole hell of a lot, and I care for him a whole hell of a lot... and he pretty much nullified every excuse I had for wanting to call off the relationship, and showed me that we didn't have to see each other as often as we were, and it'd still be cool... so he got me questioning again. I am still conflicted whether or not I want to give up, and give him time to hang with me as just friends, or to give it another go, starting back up all the way from the base level. None of the indecisive drama from the last time... starting with a totally clean slate, and both of us speaking honestly about everything. He really is cool, and is probably worth that.

The only thing that could still cause a problem is my desire to be in college, and free. He caught me at the beginning of what could have been a fooling around phase, and I still see people, and I still wonder. Can I pull it off? Sure, why not. But.. yeah. Fuck.

I still have some thinking left to do.

No fear!

"Teeeellll heeeem... tell him all the.. da da doo doo doooooo" -Celine Dion

Reason for Terror # 82:

Using phrase "da bomb" unwittingly in phone tapped conversations could lead to arrest and beatings by the FBI, local authorities, and hip police.

Reason for Terror # 81:

There was a little bit of mold on that bread you had this morning.

Reason for Terror # 80:

When evening falls, you can try to drive away; but the moon will be following... always following...