National State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Personal State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Reason for Personal State of Alert:
- So this is post-college life? Really? *shivers*

- The Passion of Christ featured a deleted scene where Christ called me out and told me "You're next"

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joelthecat.diaryland.com

You Can't Wear Plaid on Stage!
2002-07-23 - 11:43 p.m.

I'm wearing plaid cuz my room is cold. I otherwise removed plaid stuff from my arsenal of clothing because, as a gay man, you are legally obligated to not wear plaid outside, ever. Gay women, I believe, play by a different set of rules- but then- I wouldn't know. My contact with the lesbian world has died down since I stopped being president of my school's gay club. I don't really remember if they wore flannel.. and if they did, I think it was for the gimmick value but.... where was I?

Oh wait... that only works in the middle of a post. I could go back to the main point, and pass off the last paragraph as a tangent. But no tangent here- so far, this post has been all about flannel. 100%, pure, cross-patterned flannel. Wait- no it's not- it's about plaid! But I suppose they go hand in hand- is all flannel necessarily plaid? Maybe I need to look into this. Do ya think Flannelworld.com or World-o-flannel.com would provide better information?

Regardless... big, big step, recently- I let Jesse in on the knowledge of my diary. Jesse's my best friend- the "flamboyantly straight" one. I hope he doesn't think him knowing about the diary doesn't mean I won't still pick on him here if I so please. Censorship? Bah! Jesse- you's a big fruity fruit fruit! Nyah!

I do this out of necessity more than out of malicious, honest sentiment, I hope you realize. Fag!

Whoof! Glad that's out of the system. Onto other things. Where was I?

What? "Flannel?" You've got to be kidding me. Hum. Are do over's permitted?

"I am the captain of this ship, curious hands and fingertips" - Dave Matthews Band

I'm a little worried. I think, my whole life, I've had a bit of a fear- I have no problems planning for my stage debut, but the leap from planning and doing- I *hate* making that leap, and usually, I've chanced into it, or have been forced. I feel as if my whole life up til now has been practice for something- and if I fuck up, hey, it's practice; and I'm not actually on display. I usually come out okay, I don't always succeed, and I don't always fail, but there have only been a few times when I felt like success or failure mattered on a large scale- at least I've felt that way since 4-10-2002, when I stopped stressing out over projects.

And now... tomorrow, I check in with "work." I put in an application and got an interview with Coastal Reprographics, and was told I 99% most likely have a job with them, and to check in with them by 10 am Wednesday morning. The hour is approaching... a real job may be joining me soon- stuff that might actually include design- and I'm more than a bit scared, cuz this stuff will affect more than just ME. I'm going to actually have clients and stuff I'm accountable for! That's really scary stuff... it's a big hop. Ooo... ooo, but I remember now... Alexander Isley- a designer who I did a report on, said something about times like this... "if at any point in my life I *don't* feel like I'm in over my head, then I'm doing something wrong."

It's not an exact quote, but that was the essence- the feeling of being over your head post-graduation is completely normal, and this is a bit of a proving ground, and- no matter what... despite me, yes, still finding this VERY scary stuff... actually doing stuff in my career field, I'll be okay. I'm in no rush, honestly, to get started... but it looks like I'm starting anyway- and... oh boy.

There's SUCH a big leap between planning and doing. I've grown very comfortable being at the "almost ready" phase- at the dress rehearsal... I don't want to go on stage until I'm feeling a lot more confident, and the thing is, I don't think I ever really will. I wish I could cling to my bed, clamp myself down on my sheets, and not have to wake up tomorrow to either their phone call, or me calling them back by 10am. I should be excited- everyone else is when I tell them I'll be working there, and I've been sorta... quiet. Instead, I... I dunno. At this point, I've been racking it so long, I just want to get on with it. If I fail, I get fired, and it isn't the end of the world. Let's see how it rides!

"There's a stranger speaks outside her door, it says 'take what you can from your dreams, make them as real as anything, takes the work out of the courage" -Dave Matthews Band

And... finally, back to Jesse. My references to you in this post are just kidding- you fulfill a happy niche in this world, allowing chicks to get flamboyantly gay acting straight guys in bed. I wouldn't dream of taking that away from you!

Mmm, it smells like popcorn in here. And plaid. Popcorn and plaid! Cookies and God, yo!

Reason for Terror # 82:

Using phrase "da bomb" unwittingly in phone tapped conversations could lead to arrest and beatings by the FBI, local authorities, and hip police.

Reason for Terror # 81:

There was a little bit of mold on that bread you had this morning.

Reason for Terror # 80:

When evening falls, you can try to drive away; but the moon will be following... always following...