National State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Personal State of Alert:
(as of 3-8-04)

Reason for Personal State of Alert:
- So this is post-college life? Really? *shivers*

- The Passion of Christ featured a deleted scene where Christ called me out and told me "You're next"

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Diaryland.com
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MSNBC.com
QuietAmerican.org
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joelthecat.diaryland.com

Pale September
2001-09-01 - 3:27 a.m.

Today was good. Pretty good, anyway. I apologize for another semi-boozed up post, but it seems that that's the only way I update anyway.

I worked, filed for a while, profiled for a while on the phone. I celebrated that around now is my one year anniversary at my job- my next longest stint at a workplace is a mere 4 days, so this is pretty cool. I think I'm taking the next week off though, as Jesse invited me to Bston Rouge, and I think I'm going.

I just had a pretty decent night with the Jess-man actually. We played some unbelievably cool No Mercy matches, after a wicked lightning storm subsided a little bit, and then went to this party that he knew about..... which sucked ass.

It was totally BYOB, and we didn't have anything or any cash, so we sat and stood around on the front porch, watching other's drink and act bizarre. It was cool in that neither of us knew many people there... okay, well, Jesse knew two chicks from class, and I knew no one- so we were even. They made some kinda gay jokes, but they were being lighthearted about it, so I didn't get defensive, and it was all good. They also randomly yelled "Slut" at this chick that passed by, that drew silence from the rest of the pack. It was kinda funny, but really mean.. the group amde up for it later by apologizing and offering her booze or weed. She just kept walking and moved on. We were offered neither booze or weed.. so we got to sit around. it was an interesting social foray, but not really what I'd call hitting up a party. That's fine.

Before that, I should mention, was a meeting at Gallery Espresso. We discussed details and plans for our gay prom event we hope to have in the fall quarter. We discussed venue and getting other colleges involved, publication, and lotsa other stuff. Hopefully we'll actually get this accomplished, and have a decent turn out, and it'll be really cool. We hope so, cuz the community could use something like that- and since my prom sucked, I hope to have a date or something to bring, and make up for it in style with a kick ass "prom" nite. One can dream.

"Many times I've tried, love has never felt this good.. downtown or way up in the air, our hearts melting, and all that I'm aware- you make it easy, to watch the world with love" - Air

This just reminded me of something- another one of those childhood memories that make absolutely no sense, but I'll forget them otherwise.

There was this mall, I absolutely forget where. There was a Kids R Us there- I think, anyway, and there were all these mini play areas in the store to keep you from remembering that all they sold were stupid fucking pieces of clothes, which weren't and still generally aren't very interesting to action oriented toddlers. Well, there was this big area, that had this carpetted circle to play in, and some kind of climby thing, and it was pink and black, and- it was the funnest thing in the world for me as a kid, and I'd seek it out whenever I went there, and I have a sudden urge to be back in that. That was like, a tunnel of love for me or something, it was magic, and just joy. For shame I don't know where or what that thing is in more specifics. I wish to be in there, right now.

There was also this other thing, which you hit a glowing button thing, and it answered your questions by lighting up and glowing another thing. I remember the answers as being sassy, and kinda directed at girls, but anything past that is a mystery. Why these things came to mind is beyond me.

I've been kinda feeling a little nostalgiac regarding childhood/ sister memories, and it's kinda weird, and sad. My friend, and fellow student-worker, Jeanne, lost an older brother to Leukemia, and I feel bad- because that's extremely similar to what I lost my sister to, A-Plastic Anemia. She's been telling people, and seems to be handling it non-chalantly, something I did back when I returned to high school after missing a week due to my sister's death. You get a lot of people talking about "It's must be tough for a parent to lose a child before the parent dies," and the sucks to die young mindset, but no one really mentions how it hurts to lose a sibling... it's like the sibling doesn't exist. I'm sure my parents have gone through far worse grief than I about the loss of my sister, but still- no one ever really even tried to take it from my standpoint, and it's weird. I feel this silent bond with Jeanne now, but I haven't said anything. I kind of consider her like family, and I wish I could reach out and let her know more often than I do, but I don't, cuz of the inherent awkwardness. But me, her, and Robin are kind of a weakly knit little family thing going at my job, and it's cool, and it adds to my sense of belonging... something I've just kinda realized I have in the last few weeks or so.

I felt a rush of humility come over me while filing today too, it was weird. I don't want to shrink down and become quiet again, in person, but at the same time, I realize how charmed I am, and am very grateful. I don't want to speak more of it, in fear of messing things up, but I really do thank the man above (God) for being really cool to me. I can say no more about this that wouldn't fuck things up.

"And he finds a home in me, for what misfortune sows, he knows my touch will reap. And all my armor falling down" -Fiona Apple

Reason for Terror # 82:

Using phrase "da bomb" unwittingly in phone tapped conversations could lead to arrest and beatings by the FBI, local authorities, and hip police.

Reason for Terror # 81:

There was a little bit of mold on that bread you had this morning.

Reason for Terror # 80:

When evening falls, you can try to drive away; but the moon will be following... always following...